Good News! I Have a Brain

So the MRI results came back, and I definitely have a brain. Long a matter of discussion in my family and circle of acquaintance, I have a piece of paper from a real radiologist that confirms the residence of a brain in my cranium. Suck it, haters!

The other good news is that my real, existing brain is operating normally. I recently had a couple of episodes where I had some tingling on the left side of my face, and in my left arm. 40 year old cigar smoker, expert drinker, and general bon vivant? We've heard this tune before, and it plays in the key of "heart attack" or "stroke". Happily, both the CT scan and MRI ruled out both of these possibilities. We're now considering something mundane, such as the fact that I sleep on my left side and perhaps irritated or pinched a nerve.

The experience of getting the MRI done was interesting. In theory, there's nothing to it- you lie on a table and slide into a tube, and magnets unleash the power of Greyskull and your brain appears on a computer screen.

[For a scholarly discussion about magnets, please consult the music video "Miracles" by the Insane Clown Posse. NSFW!]

In reality, the MRI is a fearsome device. First of all, you are told that you must remove ALL metal items from your body- any jewelry or implants will rip right out of you once the magnets start their work.

Next you must wear the shameful hospital gown, designed to strip you of any dignity and make you subservient to the cruel commands of your nurse, who is named Barbara, always. You are asked again to MAKE SURE you have no jewelry on or in your person because one time, this girl left her belly button ring in and you did NOT want to see what happened.

Begowned thus and so, you go into the MRI room and the nice radiology technician, who is named Alyssa always, makes you lie down on the metal tongue which will introduce you into the maw of the machine. Alyssa is so nice, you forget this thing produces like 8 bajillion watts of pure magnetism that is probably going to rip the dang fillings out of your mouth, through your cheekbones! You put on a brave face- it's a completely non-invasive procedure, no needles or anything, and Alyssa is silently judging you and will definitely tell her roommate about you if you show fear.

You put in earplugs because the machine will be very loud. Hmmm, I thought magnets were basically silent in operation. Curious. Now that that's done, Alyssa takes some rubber doorstops and wedges them next to your head, to keep it completely still. And then she puts a cage over your head to make extra sure you won't move your head. If you move your head the MRI might get angry.

Alyssa slides the tray with you inside it, and here is where you have your first claustrophia incident. Even though the tube is open in both directions, your head is completely immobile, so you can't see outside and it's pretty tight in there. It's not fun and suddenly your heart is racing. Alyssa has help for you, though: she places a small towel over your eyes, and turns on a fan. So you can't see the tube of death you are in, and the fan tells your body you are out in open air. Thanks, Alyssa!

Back in you go, and Alyssa leaves the room. She's not stupid enough to be in a room with an MRI machine, are you crazy? This thing would pull HER fillings out from across the room. Safely in the control room, Alyssa can talk to you over an intercom, and you can even sort of hear half what she's saying through your earplugs, the doorstoppers, and the face cage.

Time to start the scans. Each one lasts between 2 and 8 minutes, and you'll do maybe 5 scans total. Friendly Alyssa talks to you between each scan. What does it sound like? Are the magnets silently burrowing their way through your skull?

Turns out, true story, magnets are f'in LOUD. Those earplugs are there for a reason. It sounds like the machine is crushing rocks with an impact hammer, or grinding metal, or fusing atoms. Each scan has a different sound, but each one is rattling your totally motionless head. You forget to be claustrophobic, you forget your thoughts, you forget your own name.

Sometimes, it is making laser sounds- BRZZZZZZZZZZT! Other times it sounds like an alien spaceship is shooting blasters at your eardrums- PEW PEW PEW! One is surely a conveyor belt of angry cats being sling-shotted into the ocean- RRAWWWWWRRRRRR!

Finally, the sonic war is over, and Alyssa tells you what a good job you did. The plank slides out of the cursed cylinder and you sit up. Some people get dizzy, but in me it was a sort of giddiness at how quiet the world can be. You laugh with Alyssa about it. Hah hah, well that certainly was something, wasn't it? And now your brain is stored in the Matrix, for future use when the machines take over the world.

The whole ordeal was surprising, and it was both better and worse than I imagined going in. The alternative is the one where they cut open your head and poke around in there with a stick, so I'll take the MRI any day.